The decision to stop taking my Zoloft in April was a bad one. Misdirected. Live and learn. The part that sucks is that now I'm having to repave a road that took years to build, and only two months to demolish. Apparently that shit gets out of your system a lot faster than it rebuilds in your system. Fuck me.
Lately, I haven't really recognized myself 100% of the time. I've never been a cheesy cheerleading ball of sunshine, but I've also not been quite this Daria in many years. I need to be back to my happy medium of somewhere in between. I love my life, I fucking hate Virginia with a bloody passion, and can't stand most of the people in and around this area.
It's a god damned shame I took Oregon for granted for so long. I guess when you grow up with a normal life, in a great place, with amazing family and friends, you truly know how to recognize a shitty place. Hampton is a shitty place. It's horrible. I can't fake it and put on some ridiculous smile and act like everything is hunky-dory. I am not happy here. I can't wait to move back out west. I miss my friends and family dearly, and am excited that once I get to San Diego, I'm only a 1.5 hour flight away from them.
My job is boring as shit, and I feel really disconnected to the people out here these days. Last year was great -- though I still hated the place, I had a lot of fun. Then shit changed over the winter. People changed. The magic was lost. I'm ready to move on. Fuck this shit.
I love my boyfriend more than I know what to do with. And that's why I hate his job. No, I'm not happy for him. He's gone all the fucking time. Why would that make me happy? Why would I even pretend to enjoy the fact that I'm here alone while he's in some foreign country? I don't lie or fake shit, so I'm not about to start. I hate that he's gone. I hate his job. I love him too much to want him to be gone. It's not envy; I do not like traveling. I hate flying and have no interest in going to Asia. It all comes down to I truly love spending time with him. It's like living with my best friend, and when he's gone I kind of drift about like a boat lost at sea.
I don't feel like being social, but it's nothing personal. I've actually really enjoyed staying in the apartment and relaxing. I'm not done with partying, but I am somewhat tired of waking up at 2pm on Saturdays feeling like shit. Since I've cut back, I've felt a lot healthier. I spend my time working out, reading, and listening to great music. All three of these things make me happy.... so it kinda irks me when the people here think I am hating on them or being a hermit out of spite. I'm just enjoying recharging "me" time.
If I had my #1 choice, it would be for Ron to be here, of course. But my #2 choice would've been to fly home and stay there with my friends & family for the summer while Ron is away. Unfortunately, I didn't get either of my choices. So I finished my the latest two college courses and have just been hanging on until September when we can move. Ready for a new beginning, new place, new people, new adventure. The people that really, I mean REALLY know me understand this. Everybody else can fuck off. I'm excited for the future and happy about my life.
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