So tired.

Why should I care / You weren't there when I was scared / I was so alone

So fuck you for always getting my hopes up and then dropping me flat on my ass

Great quote I just heard

"I feel sorry for you.

You have to validate yourself     through insatiable, meaningless, ego sport-sex     

with insecure girls"

Oh, hoes.

I thank my mother and other family members for instilling a little bit of dignity in me. I will never understand slutty people. How can you sleep with a different person every night? Or ever week? Or hell, even every month? It's just gross. Really, really disgusting people.

People like that need therapy. Obviously, someone failed them at some point in their up-bringing. Have some respect for yourself.

fts

I've been away from home for 5 years and I'M FUCKING DONE. I never want to go anyplace humid ever again. fuck this shit.

fuck this place

i just want to go home and STAY THERE

yooouuuuuuuuuuuuuu make me want to jump out a 3 story window, but since I'm too chicken to actually do anything like that, I'll just take lots of pills and starve myself a little. It's my way of having control over a life that I hate and have no control over right now.

Well oh my stars

I am soooooooooooo excited to drive across the country and see new places. Especially during the Autumn seasonal transition.... I love fall and it's going to be beautiful!

I hate that Ron is in Korea now but the silver lining to that is while he's gone, I catch up on my reading and gym time. And video games....

The name game

I wonder if anybody has done any research on certain qualities (or lack thereof) occur in certain names more often. (Like....Heathers and Bobs are fat, Lisas and Lindas are batshit crazy, Kellys are sluts, Britneys are dumb as posts, Bills are smart, or whatever). Aside from the obvious, don't name your daughter's stupid names like Trixie or Cookie. If they've done such research, I wonder what the average intelligence level of Stephanie is. And the names of my friends and family. Maybe I'll look it up sometime.

Happy pills

You know that feeling when you take a bunch of Sudafed or cold medicine and everything seems really bright, you feel super energized and light-headed? That's how these new happy pills make me feel. Like I'm all spun out. It's kinda neat.

I don't do monotinous or mundane.

I was not put on this earth to do any kind of typical day-in, day-out job. I hate typical hours and schedules. I fail at dayshift. I hate computers.

So, either I was put here to NOT WORK AT ALL... or to, you know, actually do something I like. Work with animals. Or be famous, whichever comes first.

fuck airports

I turned down a trip to Korea in 8th grade and a trip to Japan in 11th. What I need is a really sweet Winnibego, a couple of my closest friends, some money, and a fucking amazing journey around the United States. THAT, I would love. No schedule, no hotels, no planes. Just whatever. It sounds amazing.

"I would rather be an intelligent cynic than a blissful idiot."

...

The doctor is starting me on Welbutrin because it's a stimulant antidepressant and she said I show signs of ADHD. This is apparently what they prescribe to depressed ADHD people. She also said most people who take it lose weight -- I don't particularly need to lose weight (unless I could scrape 10 pounds off JUST MY LEGS), but a few pounds wouldn't upset me in the slightest.

Also, after reading Kitchen Confidential, I'm convinced my boyfriend thinks he's Anthony Bourdain. Whatever. I just hope he ages better than Tony is.

...and then my garage/storage unit flooded

People that constantly have to try and prove to everybody that they are strong and happy and 'OMG MY LIFE IS SO AWESOME!!!' are really annoying. Like my best friend told me yesterday, "Life fucking blows. Don't try and cover up the smell of bullshit with cheap perfume."

I will exude happiness...WHEN I'M ACTUALLY HAPPY. I'm not dishonest. I'm not a faker. I hate that corny crap. I'm not going to lie and pretend I'm happy or try and cover up my disgust with some chipper sounding daily affirmation. I'm going to be real, just as I always have been. And that is why I appreciate and respect my friends back at home.

Yeah, everybody knows the girl who is always laughing and down to do anything....but she's always fucking drunk. I'm not talking about myself, btw. Or there's the guy that sounds like Mister Rogers, "everything is beautiful! Just look at it different!" Dude...spare me the sugar-coated horse shit. You can play like everything is unicorns and rainbows in public but I know you go home and cry yourself to sleep. I do not want to be like either of these people.

I'm being tested by nature and fate every damn day. I'm on a steep uphill crawl towards being back on the west coast where I belong. And I feel like this is the cosmos way of saying, "HERE, bitch. We're going to throw every means of roadblocks in your way to crush your soul before you leave this god-foresaken state. That way, once you're finally out, it'll feel THAT MUCH BETTER."

So whatever. Just make this last month or so go fast, please. I've got better shit to do than this, and I feel like the people here are getting dumber by the day.

i am SO over this.

Fuck. This. Shit.
Get out of my house, I'm trying to sleep.
I can't wait to move.

ugh

Every day, I hate this place, the people here, and my life a little bit more.

Frustration

It pisses me off, and makes me really sad to see all the fat on my legs. No matter how much I work out or how healthy I eat, the shit doesn't go away. It's not fair.

Might be onto something

Nobody ever told me I was good at anything when I was little. I'm starting to think that may have had an effect on me.

This week keeps failing.

There I was, stupidly looking forward to getting home to a debit card and a book by the pool in the sunshine.

Still no debit card.

The pool is closed.

Fuck my life.

Does. not. compare.

There are a couple people out here that I think truly understand me....get me...that I can actually have meaningful, entertaining conversations with (it's probably not the people most would think, either). The rest of the time I feel like I'm just out here as a substitute.

Holy shit, I can't wait to go home and spend time with my friends. For the people that leave home and forget about the people that were their friends at home: You are a horrible person.

Nobody compares to friends I grew up with and have at home. I love them more than anybody else I could ever meet, anywhere. I am so excited to get the fuck out of Virginia. I've hated this place for 4 1/2 years.

Wish I were home.

I keep catching myself sitting on the couch staring blankly into space. For long periods of time.

D'yer M'aker

I wish I had a big room full of various glasss objects that I could go in and break things whenever I'm angry. I need an outlet.

The camel's back is hurting.

If I wanted to be left alone all the time to fall apart emotionally AND physically, I would've married John when I had the chance. It just so happened that I eventually got sick of feeling my heart pound, my blood pressure skyrocket, and my muscles tense every time I'd talk to him.

2 wrongs don't make a right

In the battle between

-- Desperately grasping to things that are no longer there in hopes of a return that will never happen.

and

-- Desperately pushing things away in an effort to break attachments without lingering emotions.

They are both, in fact, wrong. Fuck. So what is the right answer?

When your ego goes limp...

... I guess sometimes you need to inflate it by reminding yourself, "you're skinny, you have a gorgeous boyfriend, a badass car, and you're moving to California."

Also, the best family ever, amazing friends back home, a goofy cat, and a savings account.

I never realized how much confidence laying in tanning beds gave me for so many years. Bad. How plastic of me, though having a nice glow does help the acne and hide the small flab. I can stay a natural skin color now, rebuild my confidence somehow, and in the future be glad that I don't look like a leather purse. Still pissed off that somebody jacked my cards and used the credit card.... but I filed a police report today and they cops are working on it with the bank and hopefully catch the piece of shit that violated my property.

So, I lost my mojo a couple months ago and now it's time to re-build it. Ta-da!

Cruel & unusual punishment

I should not be in comm. At all. Every day is a painful reminder of that. Only one more month!

3 weeks down, 5 days to go

I don't remember the last time I was so excited to see a person. Spent three hours out by the pool in the blistering sun, soaking up the rays and reading a good book... and every once in awhile, I would pause and remember that in less than a week, he'll be back. It makes me smile every time. I'm so excited, like a little kid on Christmas Eve. Some people may roll their eyes and say, "corny." I love it. Five years ago, I promised myself that I would make attempts to numb myself from emotions - I was so messed up from having the highest highs ripped out from under me and ending up in the lowest lows.... the rollercoaster was awful.

The numbing.... it worked. For about 4 years. I broke off relationships that previously would've devastated me. I divorced a guy without blinking an eye. I made it through basic training, and managed to go home twice a year and not shed a tear every time I'd have to walk away from my mom & dad at the airport while they both cried. My feelings are finally coming back to me now.

I think I'm being tested.

Today started out horribly. Seriously bad. So awful that I was almost numb to it.... speechless. Like, I'm already depressed why did shit have to take a hard left turn? Wake up to realize my debit card, credit card, and phone were stolen. My friend's debit card was stolen, too. It kind of went along with the whole "one happy step forward, two miserable steps back" thing I was talking about. Last night was a blast, I had so much fun! And then.... shit. I was robbed. I was thinking wow... the cosmos are just fucking with me now.

I woke up feeling like shit, nauseous and with a splitting headache. But there was no time to nurse a hangover, I had work to do - drive to my friend's, use their phone, cancel my debit card, cancel my credit card, go to Verizon and have them cancel phone service. I came home and cried while thinking to myself, "this would've never happened if Ron were here," and really just wishing he was home. I didn't feel like sitting in the apartment alone, but I also didn't feel up to being around anybody. I just wanted a hug from Ron and to talk to him. The cards were cancelled, fine - easy enough I guess. Still sucks, I have no access to money until I get the replacements. But the PHONE.... dammit, not my phone! It has my pictures, emails, texts, phone numbers, everything.... stuff that can't be replaced. My access to the outside world (aside from the computer). My way to talk to Ron anywhere I go while he's gone. My way to talk to my best friend anytime.

I tried to cook myself some breakfast and burned it. My skin is horribly, EMBARRASSINGLY broken out. It just was NOT my day. Felt like everything I touched would turn to shit.

And then my friend got a phone call from somebody that had found my phone. So, in an instant, the clouds were lifted and I suddenly felt good again. Well, not physically - I'm still pretty rough from last night. Glad that the guy who found my phone believed in karma. The world needs more people like that.

So, after sitting by the pool and reading, and getting my phone back - cooked myself some turkey burgers and homemade sweet potato fries. Watching Animal Planet with my cat. I feel so much better, now all I need is for my other half to come home.

1 step forward, 2 steps back

I hate that I allow you to make or break my day. The last time I let somebody have that much power over my emotions, it ended very badly. I just can't seem to have more than one good day in a row.

Fuckin sleep.

Sleep has eluded me for the better part of my life; transient problems. Over the counter stuff doesn't work; most of the prescription sleeping pills I've been given don't work for me, either (for being so small, my body is sure stubborn against any kind of sedatives). I think I'd be in a more consistently good mood if I could get some consistent sleep. Le sigh.

Long time no see

This thing needs to become a staple in my life again. I've got way too much pent up steam to continue lollygagging around without a punching bag. Last time I internalized all the bullshit, I ended up in a very bad place (no, I did not end up in a rubber room, but I probably should've).

The decision to stop taking my Zoloft in April was a bad one. Misdirected. Live and learn. The part that sucks is that now I'm having to repave a road that took years to build, and only two months to demolish. Apparently that shit gets out of your system a lot faster than it rebuilds in your system. Fuck me.

Lately, I haven't really recognized myself 100% of the time. I've never been a cheesy cheerleading ball of sunshine, but I've also not been quite this Daria in many years. I need to be back to my happy medium of somewhere in between. I love my life, I fucking hate Virginia with a bloody passion, and can't stand most of the people in and around this area.

It's a god damned shame I took Oregon for granted for so long. I guess when you grow up with a normal life, in a great place, with amazing family and friends, you truly know how to recognize a shitty place. Hampton is a shitty place. It's horrible. I can't fake it and put on some ridiculous smile and act like everything is hunky-dory. I am not happy here. I can't wait to move back out west. I miss my friends and family dearly, and am excited that once I get to San Diego, I'm only a 1.5 hour flight away from them.

My job is boring as shit, and I feel really disconnected to the people out here these days. Last year was great -- though I still hated the place, I had a lot of fun. Then shit changed over the winter. People changed. The magic was lost. I'm ready to move on. Fuck this shit.

I love my boyfriend more than I know what to do with. And that's why I hate his job. No, I'm not happy for him. He's gone all the fucking time. Why would that make me happy? Why would I even pretend to enjoy the fact that I'm here alone while he's in some foreign country? I don't lie or fake shit, so I'm not about to start. I hate that he's gone. I hate his job. I love him too much to want him to be gone. It's not envy; I do not like traveling. I hate flying and have no interest in going to Asia. It all comes down to I truly love spending time with him. It's like living with my best friend, and when he's gone I kind of drift about like a boat lost at sea.

I don't feel like being social, but it's nothing personal. I've actually really enjoyed staying in the apartment and relaxing. I'm not done with partying, but I am somewhat tired of waking up at 2pm on Saturdays feeling like shit. Since I've cut back, I've felt a lot healthier. I spend my time working out, reading, and listening to great music. All three of these things make me happy.... so it kinda irks me when the people here think I am hating on them or being a hermit out of spite. I'm just enjoying recharging "me" time.

If I had my #1 choice, it would be for Ron to be here, of course. But my #2 choice would've been to fly home and stay there with my friends & family for the summer while Ron is away. Unfortunately, I didn't get either of my choices. So I finished my the latest two college courses and have just been hanging on until September when we can move. Ready for a new beginning, new place, new people, new adventure. The people that really, I mean REALLY know me understand this. Everybody else can fuck off. I'm excited for the future and happy about my life.